At 27, I’m no stranger to a gay bar—I used to go before I even turned 21 and used a fake ID that my friends and I procured on a sketchy site that required us to wire transfer money to China. I’ve spent countless nights drinking a tequila and pineapple juice, dancing to Top 40 hits with my friends or a cute boy on a sticky dance floor until the sun comes up, and making the trek all the way back to Brooklyn. But recently, I’ve discovered a new-to-me experience of going to bars and parties where there’s a darkroom, and as you can imagine, nefarious actions occur there. As one could surmise, I won’t go into detail about the things that happen in a dark room, but I will explain a bit about my experiences and what I’ve learned so far.
Cruising is a tale as old as time in the queer experience, especially for gay men. In its simplest form, cruising is essentially looking for sex with another person. Historically, there are public places that have become unofficial official cruising spots that are talked about through an if-you-know-you-know whisper network. Now, some queer parties around New York City have a darkroom or just encourage patrons to let loose and have fun. I’m relatively new to these sorts of parties and am usually just a voyeur, but I learned a few things in these spaces while watching and sometimes participating in the fun.
Tip 1: Consent is the most important thing; these spaces usually make that known.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing and can rescind consent at any point. In spaces like this, emotions are running high, and some men get ahead of themselves—but don’t be afraid to say no and say no sternly if needed. From my experience, attempting to initiate something is by brushing a hand on someone and making eye contact. Some even go as far as touching your genitals—which is not as common and not my preferred method of being hit on, but it still happens. If a person is not into it, a polite smile and a “No, thank you” works just fine. I’ve had experiences where the same man has come up to me multiple times and groped me, even after telling them to stop. If you feel unsafe and are at a party, do not make a scene—go to the security guard on staff and tell them, and they will most likely remove them.
Tip 2: Partying can be fun, but don’t let it ruin everyone else’s experience.
If you choose to use any substances, whether it’s alcohol or something else, make sure you are either with someone you trust or are in a safe environment. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen things go wrong, and people lose control—stumbling over others, throwing up, breaking glasses, or becoming aggressive. If you feel like someone’s safety is at risk, see if their friend is nearby and suggest they help their friend or ask a security guard on staff. Always prioritize everyone’s safety!
Tip 3: Do not, and I mean, do not, bring your straight female friends to the sex bars just to talk and gawk.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Also, note this does not apply to people who fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. There are only a handful of gay bars that exist (and the number is even much smaller for lesbians), so bringing straight female friends who are celebrating a bachelorette party or a birthday to bars with a darkroom is annoying and weird. It doesn’t bother all the patrons, but most attendees I chat with at these parties complain about guys bringing their girlfriends to talk about their lives or jobs in front of the darkroom. This is not to say women are not allowed in these spaces, but if a bar or party is meant for people to have sex but people are standing around fully clothed and gawking at people enjoying themselves—they’re a part of the problem.
Tip 4: Beware of pickpockets.
Knock on wood, I have not been pickpocketed, but that is one thing every place warns about. If you’re comfortable stripping down and plan to check your clothes, check your wallet or any valuables if you don’t need to have them on you. Put your phone where you can feel it and check for it periodically. I don’t check my clothes but keep my stuff in my front pockets.
Tip 5: Have fun and be safe.
Cruising is about letting go of her inhibitions and satiating that carnal desire to be intimate with someone you’ve barely spoken a word. It’s fun and exhilarating, but listening to yourself and trusting your instincts is essential. If something is telling you to slow down or take things slow, listen to it. If you realize this situation may not be for you, that’s fine. Take care of yourself, your body, and your mind.
